Dementia Stole My Mother!

My mother has dementia. It’s been developing over the past five years and now, it is quickly moving to severe. I’ve recently had to put her in a nursing home, as my father, who has been her full-time carer, has become unwell and can no longer look after her at home. He now can’t even look after himself and we have put him into the nursing home as well.  Dad has had three heart attacks, a stroke, renal failure and crook lungs. We’ve had months of hospital and doctor visits and plenty of conversations about what we do as a family. It’s been tough.

 It’s been difficult to find positives in such a negative experience. I am definitely no orphan, most of us go through this stage in our lives, either with our parents, or with ourselves. It’s very challenging.  It has certainly made me reflect on my own capacity for positivity. 

What we know is that negative emotions are a necessary part of our lives. The trick is to manage the negative emotions, accept that they are part of our lives and to discover ways to use interventions to deal with them.

So how have I dealt with this challenging situation and kept my positivity ratio in balance?

It hasn’t been easy, but I think I’ve worked it out, though let me say at the outset, this works for me and there is certainly no ‘one size fits all’!  Firstly, I accept that there will be times when I am feeling down, sad, upset or even angry, and that’s ok.  It is these times that I choose to adopt an intervention and I have a few “go – to’s” that I use. 

If I only have a short amount of time, (eg whilst visiting mum and she’s being difficult) I use a strategy called S.T.O.P. I give myself a few minutes to Smile (even if forced – how can you be unhappy if you are smiling?), Touch – take notice of the texture or feel of things, eg my bracelet, chair, clothes anything you are already touching. Is it hard, soft, rough, smooth? And then Observe. Notice what you can see. Look out the window and notice the clouds, the trees, look closely and notice things that you don’t normally look for. And then Pause and breathe. Count a few breaths.  Now you’re ready to continue on with the day. It really works for me and I can do it anywhere, at any time. In the car, in the nursing home, at home, even walking down the street. It’s a great short, sharp, shiny way of refocussing. 

If I’m in a situation where I can spend more time on an intervention, I will find a meditation on Buddify to suit the time I have, find a Podcast that I like (I really enjoy Michelle McQuaid’s “Making Positive Psychology Work” series) or I crank my music up and sing along! All these things help me to turn my emotions to the positive. 

Dealing with Dementia has been a new experience for me, and I’ve struggled watching my mother disappear as dementia takes a hold. I have learned a great deal about this disease and after a conversation with the Clinical Care Manager at my mother’s Nursing home, I found the best way to deal with my negative emotions.

My mother has Frontotemporal Dementia. This affects her behaviour. My mother has always been very calm, gentle and very positive. However, dementia has caused her to sometimes lash out and she has had incidents where she has hit, slapped and pinched others. This is extremely devastating, and I spoke with the Clinical Care Manager to find a way to deal with it.  I asked her if the Nursing home had a Medical or Behaviour Plan for my mother. She was very quick to tell me that “No. But we DO have a Medical and Behaviour Plan for her disease.”  It occurred to me right then, that I had to divorce my mother from the dementia, as the dementia does not define her, just like a child’s broken leg, does not define the child. 

I began to write about my visits. I found it helped enormously to put down in words how the dementia is not my mother and is separate from her. I started a Facebook page called ‘Dementia Stole my Mother’ and recorded all my experiences, putting a positive spin on it.  I have had a great many comments from people far and wide, indicating how my posts are helping them to understand dementia, but also other tough situations that people face, and helping them to tip their positivity ratio.

Check it out here.  https://www.facebook.com/Dementia-Stole-My-Mother-114215656671628/?modal=admin_todo_tour Feedback would be awesome. I hope you enjoy it and maybe just maybe, it will give you some ideas about how you too can change your perspective on a negative situation.

If you need more information and help in turning your negative into a positive, contact me and I can help to guide you.